The Winner is a Loser
by Spock Yard
Summary: Captains James T. Kirk and Jack Sparrow argue over who is more obsessed with his ship. Oneshot. Reviewers get hypothetical cookies.


**Disclaimer**: All I own is my insanity…

It was a typically strange day in the Cross-Fandom Continuum, the place where fictional characters spend their time when they have nothing better to do. In one shady corner, Darth Sidious, Ungoliant, 16-year old Tom Riddle, and Lucky the Leprechaun played poker. Over at a ridiculously huge plasma screen TV, Artemis Fowl and Ron Weasley were embroiled in a fierce Guitar Hero duel which Artemis was winning. In another section of the room, Captains Jack Sparrow and James T. Kirk sat and compared pictures of their ships.

"Look at her! The _Black Pearl_ is the fastest ship in the Caribbean, unmatched by any ship of the Fleet. Even the _Flying Dutchman_ can't catch her!" said Jack.

"Yes, I'm sure she's quite the marvel for your time. Now, the _Enterprise_'s warp drive lets her travel at a maximum of warp 8 which is-"

"Faster than light, yes. But, if you're traveling that fast, how do you enjoy the trip, eh?" asked Jack as he stood up from the couch.

"It's space. There's not much to admire outside the window, unless you have an unhealthy obsession with star fields," said Kirk in good humor.

"And you don't?"

"No, he's got an unhealthy obsession with the _Enterprise_," said Dr. McCoy who had just walked in with Spock.

"Well, Bones, I wouldn't say it's unhealthy," said Kirk amicably.

"I would. You've ended up in Sick Bay on account of it more times than I can count, and you've ignored my orders, left Sick Bay, and made your injuries worse at least as often!"

said McCoy.

"Indeed, Captain, your emotional attachment to the _Enterprise_ is most illogical," agreed Spock.

Kirk stood up. "Well, perhaps I've been a bit… irrational in the past."

At this McCoy snorted and muttered, "A bit?" while Spock silently raised an eyebrow.

"But can any captain really be blamed for caring for his ship?" continued Kirk.

"Indeed," said Jack, "I absolutely agree. I'd do anything for the _Pearl_."

"I'd do anything for the _Enterprise_," boasted Kirk.

"In fact, I've already done all sorts of things," said Jack.

"So have I," said Kirk.

"Uh oh, I think I can see where this is going," said McCoy to Spock.

"Indeed, Doctor," agreed Spock.

"I've kept the _Pearl_ safe through countless storms!" said Jack.

"I've managed to keep the _Enterprise_ out of countless storms," countered Kirk smugly.

"So you've never weathered a storm?" asked Jack with equal smugness.

Kirk said slowly, "Not the kind that you've experienced, but I have been in some dangerous situations." He continued more quickly. "They were probably a great deal more dangerous than anything you've been in. Ion storms, spacetime anomalies, and then of course there's combat."

"Combat? You call aiming flashlights at each other combat?" retorted Jack disdainfully.

"Captain Sparrow, our weapons are phasers, not flashlights. There are significant differences between the two," Spock pointed out.

"Sword fighting and cannon fire, now _that's_ combat," said Jack, completely ignoring Spock.

"A flashlight is a tool which emits a beam of light to-" said Spock.

"Real fighting is dirty and dangerous," said Jack, continuing to disregard Spock.

"-illuminate dark areas. A phaser is a weapon which emits a beam of nadions to-" said Spock.

"Shrapnel flies through the air and blood pools on the deck. In my kind of fighting, we actually need skill and agility. All you do is push buttons while trying to avoid falling out of your cushy chair," said Jack derisively.

"-stun or kill the target." Spock paused as Jack continued to talk, and then said in his typical emotionless voice (he _was_ Spock, after all), "No one paid any attention to a word I just said."

"Nope," agreed McCoy smirking.

"That is quite disrespectful and illogical," said Spock.

McCoy chuckled and glanced at Spock. "Does that annoy you?"

"Annoyance is a human emotion, Doctor," said Spock.

"Riiight." McCoy rolled his eyes, and they continued to listen to Jack.

"Only real men fight with swords," Jack concluded triumphantly.

"Really, Jack? I wonder what Anamaria would say about that," commented Will who had walked over to see what Jack was up to.

"I didn't mean-" Jack got a sudden burst of inspiration. "I simply meant that when fighting with swords one is truly glorifying combat." Jack stood there with hands on hips looking proud of himself for being so clever.

"Glorifying combat?" repeated Will sardonically.

"Yes," replied Jack without any hesitation.

"I find that odd coming from the man who avoids fighting whenever possible," said Will.

"Well, I'm not stupid about it," said Jack indignantly.

Will stared at Jack for a second. "No, you're not stupid."

Jack smiled triumphantly. "Exact-"

"You're a coward," said Will.

"I am not!" protested Jack.

"Remember when we fought the kraken?" asked Will in a tone that indicated that things were about to go rather badly for Jack.

"Ye-es," said Jack slowly. "What about it?"

"You ran off," said Will flatly. McCoy and Kirk snorted, and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"_Technically_, I rowed off in a long boat," Jack countered.

"Captain Sparrow," said Kirk with the slightest emphasis on 'captain', "you mean to tell me that you abandoned your ship?"

"I came back!" protested Jack indignantly. "And I went down with her!"

"Only because Elizabeth chained you to the mast," said Will sharply. At this, McCoy burst our laughing, Spock raised his eyebrow even higher, and Kirk looked rather shocked.

"You… someone… _what_?" Kirk was at a loss for words.

"Never mind! I came back of my own free will. Everything else is irrelevant," said Jack. He could see very clearly that the argument was slipping in an unfavorable direction for him. He could also see that the odds of him coming out on top were roughly equivalent to "not bloody likely."

"But you _did_ leave your ship!" said Kirk tersely.

"We were getting attacked by the kraken! Given the means, anyone would have left!" said Jack emphatically.

"Every other person onboard your ship during that battle could have taken the longboat and left, but they didn't, did they?" said Kirk accusatorially. "Why do you think that is?"

"Because they were preoccupied with not getting eaten by an octopus on steroids?" said Jack sarcastically.

"Because they had a sense of duty! A sense which you, despite being a captain, lack!" said Kirk angrily.

"We're bloody pirates! Scallywags! Do you honestly think we give a damn about duty or honor?" said Jack angrily.

"Pirate or not, you are a captain! It is your job to lead your crew even if, no, _especially_ if you are under attack! You're no captain!" At this Jack scowled darkly. "You don't care about your crew-" yelled Kirk.

"Will just proved that, didn't he?" said Jack coldly.

"And you certainly don't care about your ship!" shouted Kirk.

"That's not true!" yelled Jack furious. "I love the _Black Pearl_!"

"I love the _Enterprise_! And I've done a better job of protecting my ship than you have yours!"

"I saved the _Pearl_ from the kraken!"

"I've saved the _Enterprise_ from space amoebas, crazy alien witches, would-be gods, doomsday devices, Klingons, Romulans, need I go on?"

"If you're such a good captain, why do you keep getting into so many disasters? I would have expected you to be more careful with your girlfriend," said Jack sarcastically.

"My girlfriend?" Kirk paused and thought for a moment. "Yes… the _Enterprise_ is my girlfriend. I love her, and I devote my life to her!"

"Uh, Jim, ya might not wanna yell this in public," suggested McCoy.

"Because of the _Enterprise_, I understand why we call ships 'she'!" continued Kirk, heedless of McCoy's warning.

"Captain, I would advise you to listen to Dr. McCoy's advice," said Spock.

"I lament not being able to walk with the _Enterprise_ on the beach!" yelled Kirk.

"I actually _can_ walk with the _Pearl_ on the beach! …Well… sort of," said Jack. A thoughtful expression briefly crossed his face.

Will facepalmed, Spock raised an eyebrow yet again, and McCoy said, "Okay, now this is getting ridiculous."

"I would die for the _Enterprise_!"

"I would die for the _Pearl_!"

"I would sell my soul for the _Enterprise_!"

"I actually _did_ sell my soul for the _Pearl_!"

"I-" yelled Kirk who then paused, "wait, no you didn't!"

"Yes, actually he did," said Will sardonically. "I know because he tried to pawn off my soul instead of giving up his."

At this everyone just stood and stared at Jack. McCoy was openmouthed in shock. Kirk just stared in shock. Only Spock remained unfazed.

"That… was unexpected…. I didn't think I could lose that argument." said Kirk slowly. He looked disturbed at the thought that someone else was actually more obsessed than he.

"Huh. I didn't think we'd ever find a freak more obsessed with his ship than Jim," said McCoy. Kirk turned to look at McCoy with an aggrieved expression on his face. McCoy looked sheepish and apologized, "Sorry, Captain." Kirk rolled his eyes and gave a long-suffering sigh.

Spock continued to stare at Jack. After a moment he suggested, "Captain, perhaps we ought to return to the _Enterprise_."

"Yes, Mr. Spock, I agree. After all, we, uh, have important matters to attend to," said Kirk. He seemed relieved to have an excuse to leave.

"What important-" McCoy saw the look on Kirk's face. "Oh, yeah, _those_ matters. Let's go."

They quickly exited leaving Jack and Will. Jack looked exceedingly pleased with himself. "He shall always remember this as the day that he almost out-obsessed Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Oh shut up, you idiot," snapped Will and then left. Jack looked annoyed as he watched Will leave, then glanced over to where Kirk, Spock, and McCoy had left. He smiled slowly, and then started to do a ridiculous happy dance.

End

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Beta Note (from SwiftShadow): -waves- Hope you liked Spock Yard's oneshot. Took her forever to write it… she did it at school, on the way to the robotics competition, AT the robotics competition, on the way back from the robotics competition… Need I go on? Well, like I said, I hope you liked it and leave her a good review!

Author's Note: I'd just like to thank my two betas and real life friends, SwiftShadow and kanboku91 (the latter of which may still not have an account yet…), for graciously helping me with my fic by using their extensive vocabularies, excellent grasp of English grammar, and ability to spot typos to make my story better than it otherwise would have been. Thank you both!

Also, in case anyone is wondering about who the people mentioned in the opening paragraph are:

Darth Sidious is the ultimate evil dude from Star Wars.

Ungoliant is a giant evil spider from _The Silmarillion_ which is part of the Lord of the Rings 'verse.

Tom Riddle is the young version of Voldemort from Harry Potter.

Lucky is the leprechaun from those Lucky Charms commercials.

Artemis Fowl is from the Artemis Fowl series. …Wow, that was an unhelpful comment….

Ron Weasley is also from Harry Potter.

Finally, I got the information about phasers emitting a nadion beam from the Star Trek wiki Memory Alpha.


End file.
